Welcome to the second episode of the Halloween edition of “The Unreliable Narrators Watch…” with your hosts, the Unreliable Narrators. This week, we’re watching PULGASARI, a giant monster movie made in North Korea. A rice/gluten golem animated by a blacksmith, Pulgasari eats iron and grows to about 800 feet and – well, this is a movie you have to see to believe.
Warning: the following contains SPOILERS!
Dramatis Personae
Chia, Chris, George
chialynn [8:07 PM] PULGASARI!
chris [8:07 PM] PULGASARI!
george_galuschak [8:07 PM] PULGASARI!
chris [8:08 PM] SPROCKET
chialynn [8:08 PM] Flicks!
george_galuschak [8:09 PM] horse
chialynn [8:09 PM] That’s promising.
chris [8:09 PM] Mount Fuji? wha?
george_galuschak [8:09 PM] PULGASARI, the man of the hour!!!
george_galuschak [8:09] er, monster
chris [8:09 PM] someone cranked the output
chris [8:10] sounds like video game music
george_galuschak [8:10 PM] this is lookin’ like a cheapie!
george_galuschak [8:10] Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla, maybe?
chris [8:11 PM] I actually had a pitch for a Godzilla movie about a stem cell monster from South Korea vs. a Taepodong Colossus from North Korea
chris [8:11 PM] it would look like a fucked up animated Burning Man
george_galuschak [8:11] peasants!
chialynn [8:11 PM] Grunting!
george_galuschak [8:11 PM] manly sweating!
chialynn [8:12 PM] So, the lead actress there is the kidnapped wife of the kidnapped director.
chris [8:12 PM] ooh
chialynn [8:12 PM] The woman being sexually harassed by those manly blacksmiths.
chris [8:12 PM] I have double subtitles
chialynn [8:12 PM] Novy is screaming “Stop zooming!”
george_galuschak [8:12 PM] the blacksmith guy looks like he lives the role
chialynn [8:13] Ah, exposition dump.
chris [8:14 PM] as you know, Inde
george_galuschak [8:14 PM] okay, sudden scene shift!
chialynn [8:14 PM] MOAR exposition.
george_galuschak [8:14 PM] INDE the Barbarian!
chris [8:15 PM] This seems like a weird mix of wuxia and kaiju
george_galuschak [8:15 PM] he’s wearing a purple headband. purple headbands are so 80’s!
george_galuschak [8:15 PM] it looks like he’s going to the TRIXTER WHITE LION show!
chris [8:15 PM] when was this made, actually?
chialynn [8:15 PM] 1985!
george_galuschak [8:15 PM] manly hugging!
george_galuschak [8:16 PM] they’re getting choked up but they can’t show it BECAUSE THEY’RE MANLY MEN!
chris [8:16 PM] enjoy these arsenic-laced canteloupes
george_galuschak [8:16 PM] the governor has the best mustache I’ve ever seen
chialynn [8:16 PM] The director and his wife got divorced in 1976, then they got kidnapped, then Kim Jong-il “suggested” they get remarried in 1983.
chris [8:17 PM] I want his hat
chialynn [8:17 PM] It’s a good hat.
chris [8:18 PM] if this one of those films where the monster shows up in the last 10 minutes, we’re screwed
george_galuschak [8:18 PM] a lot of them are wearing headbands, I notice
chialynn [8:18 PM] None of these peasants is wearing a color that would have been available to a medieval peasant.
chialynn [8:18 PM] Well, maybe that grey. But none of the others.
george [8:18] looting and ransacking!
chris [8:18 PM] they’re taking her wok?
chris [8:18] how rude
george_galuschak [8:19 PM] what evil!
george_galuschak [8:19] look at all the evil
george_galuschak [8:19] evil, evil, evil!
chialynn [8:19 PM] Oh, I see the gang unit is here. “All of these teenagers are bandits!”
chris [8:19 PM] ouch
chialynn [8:19 PM] Kettle drums. That’s how you know it’s really serious.
george_galuschak [8:20 PM] that ‘youth’ is about 40 years old
chialynn [8:20 PM] Is that… a shoe?
chialynn [8:20] Aw, Inde sacrificed himself for her wok.
chris [8:21 PM] it’s as windy as the Lovecraft town last week!
chris [8:21 PM] wind is a sure sign of bad goings-on
george_galuschak [8:21 PM] TORTURE!
george_galuschak [8:22] ‘Hurry up and beat him!’
chialynn [8:22 PM] That is a also a very fine hat.
chialynn [8:23 PM] We’re trying to figure out if this was shot on Super 8.
george_galuschak [8:24 PM] wow, these people are evil
chris [8:24 PM] probably converted from PAL or SECAM on an early Betamax
george_galuschak [8:24 PM] I thought that dude was gonna give him the finger
chialynn [8:25 PM] As with the movie last week, I’m very confused about the geography.
george_galuschak [8:25 PM] gravel pit
chris [8:25 PM] Rude! She could have busted her rice bowl
chialynn [8:26 PM] “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
george_galuschak [8:26 PM] SHE’S THROWING FOOD AT HIM!
chialynn [8:26 PM] Are you… flinging rice balls at your father?
chris [8:26 PM] Good aim!
george_galuschak [8:26 PM] FATHER has 80’s hair!
chris [8:26] They kind of look like KISS
george_galuschak [8:27] or POISON, maybe
chialynn [8:27 PM] Dude, don’t play with your food.
chialynn [8:27] Not when you’re starving and your daughter got beaten for bringing it to you.
chris [8:27 PM] His dreams are crushed! Like so many pulverized rice balls
george_galuschak [8:27 PM] he’s monologuing!
chialynn [8:27 PM] He’s making a food golem?
chris [8:28 PM] that would be awesome
chris [8:28] a GLUTEN GOLEM
george_galuschak [8:28 PM] he made a little PULGASARI
chris [8:28 PM] oh he made a pulgasari!
george_galuschak [8:29 PM] DRAMATIC DEATH SCENE!
chialynn [8:29 PM] So… He made it out of food, but it’s a spirit made of iron, because he’s a blacksmith?
chris [8:29 PM] fortified with iron and 8 essential vitamins
george_galuschak [8:30 PM] wait, they’re out of prison now?
chialynn [8:30 PM] I think they were just delivering food to prison.
chris [8:30 PM] she’s got an awesome feudal tailor
george_galuschak [8:30 PM] what’s that sound in the background?
chialynn [8:30 PM] Sonar?
chris [8:30 PM] radar!
george_galuschak [8:30 PM] it sounds like a truck backing up
chialynn [8:31 PM] Ah, magic blood!
george_galuschak [8:31 PM] hey look at that
chialynn [8:31 PM] Claymation!
george_galuschak [8:31 PM] DRUGS!
chris [8:31 PM] it’s like Otto
chialynn [8:31 PM] Oh, it eats iron.
chialynn [8:32] “It’s so cute” he says.
chialynn [8:32] It just ate all of your sister’s needles, and now you’re naked.
george_galuschak [8:32 PM] PULGASARI needs some warm milk!
chialynn [8:33 PM] He’s a growing monster!
george_galuschak [8:34 PM] maybe he went through the open door
chris [8:34 PM] the door is wide open! where could he be?:??!
george_galuschak [8:34 PM] are they the only two people left in the village?
george_galuschak [8:35] Damn, INDE again. that darn kid is nothing but trouble!
chris [8:35 PM] kettle drums!
chris [8:36 PM] there’s a certain irony in this being about people being oppressed and held against their will…
chris [8:36] IRONy
chialynn [8:36 PM] Right?
chialynn [8:36] Oh, I see what you did there.
chris [8:36 PM] I didn’t mean to, but I’ll take credit
chialynn [8:36 PM] Novy totally called that.
george_galuschak [8:36 PM] they’re going to chop off his hand and he’s still sporting the purple headband!
george_galuschak [8:36 PM] PULGASARI saves the day!
chialynn [8:37 PM] He’s getting so big! They grow up so fast.
chris [8:37 PM] he’s evolving
george_galuschak [8:37 PM] did that dude win that hat at the Ren Faire?
chialynn [8:37 PM] I laugh! I laugh at you with my painted bird!
chris [8:38 PM] the other guy’s hat is like the egyptian crown, without the bowling pin thingy in the middle
chialynn [8:38 PM] I have to give these actors credit. They’re committed to the bit.
chialynn [8:38] Stick it with the pointy end!
chris [8:39 PM] they should do a teamup movie with MINYA
george_galuschak [8:39 PM] he does sort of look like Minya!
george_galuschak [8:40] Come on, sing the Mothra song!
chris [8:40 PM] did they really have hoes like that?
george_galuschak [8:40 PM] boy, PULGASARI is stupid
chialynn [8:41 PM] Aw, it’s playful!
george_galuschak [8:41 PM] FROLICKING WITH PULGASARI!
chialynn [8:41 PM] And hungry!
chris [8:41 PM] frolicking music!
george_galuschak [8:41 PM] I love a good rake in the morning
george_galuschak [8:41] WAIT PULGASARI COME BACK
chris [8:41 PM] he took their iron and bounced
chris [8:42 PM] betcha he comes back at last 10 feet tall
chialynn [8:42 PM] They’re beating an old lady.
george_galuschak [8:42 PM] wow that’s unpleasant
chialynn [8:42 PM] What is wrong with these people?
george_galuschak [8:43 PM] purple headband is back
chialynn [8:43 PM] They’re drilling with wooden weapons. That’s a good idea, when there’s an iron-eating monster around.
chris [8:43 PM] unless its skin is hard as iron
george_galuschak [8:44 PM] wow, Ninja shit
george_galuschak [8:44] MOTHER just killed a man
chialynn [8:44 PM] I just can’t take anyone seriously when they pop up over a wall like that.
george_galuschak [8:44 PM] put a gun against his head
george_galuschak [8:44] pulled my trigger now he’s…nevermind
chialynn [8:45 PM] That was… um… some fight choreography.
chris [8:45 PM] They should have kidnapped Wo Ping while they were at it
george_galuschak [8:45 PM] where’s PULGASARI?
chris [8:46 PM] he’ll be back at just the right moment
george_galuschak [8:46 PM] okay, movie’s over?
chialynn [8:46 PM] You’re really just going to leave your buddy on the steps to get skewered?
george_galuschak [8:46 PM] didn’t they just kill the bad guy? That was the king, wasn’t it?
chialynn [8:46 PM] Some friends you are.
george_galuschak [8:46 PM] he’s got a swell hat
chris [8:46 PM] their hats rival the Catholics
chialynn [8:46 PM] Meet the new Boss.
george_galuschak [8:46 PM] GENERAL FUAN!
george_galuschak [8:47] holy shit it’s GENERAL FUAN!
chris [8:47 PM] oh no, dude, don’t wear metal armor
chris [8:48 PM] Maru Mountain!
chialynn [8:48 PM] We will go to the mountain!
chris [8:48 PM] Bring the goats!
george_galuschak [8:48 PM] love the animal sound f/x
george_galuschak [8:48] baaaa
george_galuschak [8:48] mooo
george_galuschak [8:48 PM] neigh!
chris [8:48 PM] just need some howler monkeys
george_galuschak [8:48] they can borrow them from DUNWICH!
chialynn [8:48 PM] Just an army of farmers? We’ll show you just an army of farmers!
chris [8:49 PM] Ah, the old “follow us into the mountain pass” trick
george_galuschak [8:49 PM] generic battle scene!
chialynn [8:49 PM] That’s a lotta logs.
george_galuschak [8:49 PM] those are some rocks
george_galuschak [8:50] the purple headband strikes!
chialynn [8:50 PM] Run away!
george_galuschak [8:50 PM] hey, it’s a SPEAR MACHINE!
chialynn [8:50 PM] “Is that the best you can do?” “Sorry, general, no.”
chris [8:51 PM] the fight music sounds a little like a bastardized “Ghost riders in the sky”. listen next time it comes on!
george_galuschak [8:51 PM] not even an insect?
george_galuschak [8:51] horse head!
chialynn [8:51 PM] The Godfather’s around here somewhere.
george_galuschak [8:51 PM] do you see all this hardship, kids?
george_galuschak [8:52] why are they doing that to the trees? eating tree bark?
chialynn [8:52 PM] I think that’s the implication.
george_galuschak [8:52 PM] LET’S DIE BRAVELY!
chris [8:52 PM] … and then Pulgasari showed up and ate everyone’s iron weapons, and they would fight NO MORE
george_galuschak [8:52] hey, the howler monkeys are back!
chialynn [8:53 PM] They followed us from Dunwich!
george_galuschak [8:53 PM] they migrated from DUNWICH
chris [8:53 PM] awesome sfx
chialynn [8:53 PM] There are too many soldiers in this scene.
george_galuschak [8:53 PM] is this guy on steroids?
george_galuschak [8:54] well, here’s the kidnapping scene we’ve all been waiting for
chris [8:54 PM] “Can’t you wait?”
chris [8:54] our hero!
george_galuschak [8:54 PM] holy shit, it’s PULGASARI!
chialynn [8:55 PM] His eyes glow now.
chris [8:55 PM] He left Minya in the dust
chialynn [8:55 PM] He’s like a brother to them now.
george_galuschak [8:55 PM] Wow, Pulgasari’s put on a few
chialynn [8:56 PM] “He’s very smart.”
chris [8:56 PM] iron is heavy
chris [8:56] Yippie aye ay
chris [8:56 PM] Yippie aye oh
chris [8:57] he’s a protector like Gojira
chris [8:58 PM] so why didn’t gramps make like 10 of them?
chris [8:58] no animals were harmed during…. Yeah right
george_galuschak [8:59 PM] watch PULGASARI squash that annoying kid
chialynn [9:00 PM] Oh, no. Sister!
chris [9:00 PM] I like the noose braids
chialynn [9:00 PM] Pulgasari will save her!
chris [9:00 PM] he’s like a scaly minotaur
chialynn [9:01 PM] Purple headband!
chialynn [9:01] Oh, insult the monster. That’s bound to help.
george_galuschak [9:01 PM] HE’S GENERAL FUAN!
chialynn [9:01 PM] Now she’s trying to protect Pulgasari.
george_galuschak [9:01 PM] Pulgasari is having an internal debate!
chris [9:02 PM] he can fit in that cage?
chris [9:02] set fire to an iron beast?
george_galuschak [9:03 PM] he’s actually made of rice
chialynn [9:03 PM] How is a flimsy little cage going to hold PULGASARI?
chris [9:03 PM] all that iron had to go somewhere, unless he’s pooping it all out
chialynn [9:04 PM] Nobody wants to clean Pulgasari’s litterbox.
george_galuschak [9:04 PM] GODZILLA would kick this thing’s ass
chialynn [9:04 PM] Run over there! Now run over there! No, over there!
chialynn [9:04] PULGASARI!
george_galuschak [9:05 PM] yeah they just made him hot
chris [9:05 PM] ooh will be breathe fire now?
chialynn [9:05 PM] Now he’s made of steel.
george_galuschak [9:05 PM] he’s boiling them all to death
chris [9:06 PM] frogs in a jacuzzi!
george_galuschak [9:06 PM] it’ll be so much fun when he turns on the villagers and eats them
chialynn [9:06 PM] He’s still hot!
chialynn [9:06] And grumpy!
chris [9:06 PM] Did she just say something about a quesadilla?
george_galuschak [9:07 PM] PULGASARI’S had enough of your shit
chialynn [9:07 PM] “Yes, I can stand. Not like I just got burned alive and boiled.”
chialynn [9:08] “We’ll dig a pit and throw rocks at it. That’ll work.”
george_galuschak [9:08 PM] INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC!
chialynn [9:09 PM] And trebuchets.
chris [9:09 PM] Onward, proletariat!
george_galuschak [9:09 PM] this compares favorably to a lot of the Godzilla oeuvre. Very plot driven
chris [9:10 PM] flaming rocks! Now we’re talking
chris [9:10] They work about as well as their modern missiles
george_galuschak [9:10 PM] dudes, have PULGASARI go first!
chialynn [9:10 PM] I guess the fire made him even bigger?
chris [9:10 PM] Lure it inside? I’m pretty sure that’s where he’s headed
george_galuschak [9:12 PM] abs of iron!!!
chris [9:12 PM] aw
george_galuschak [9:13 PM] stole that scene from Godzilla
chialynn [9:13 PM] Aaaah, not the architecture!
george_galuschak [9:13] That is straight of Godzilla.
george_galuschak [9:14 PM] never fear, GENERAL FUAN. has a plan!!!
chialynn [9:14 PM] Oh, hey. The second actor to wear the Godzilla costume worked on this film!
chialynn [9:14 PM] That might be him in the suit now!
george_galuschak [9:14 PM] first I’ve heard of the priestess
chialynn [9:14] I see the Ren Faire denizens have returned.
chris [9:15 PM] a religious ceremony?
george_galuschak [9:15 PM] well, that’s a bummer
chialynn [9:16 PM] They drove him off a cliff with their drumming and their floaty sleeves!
chialynn [9:16] Stupid hippies.
chris [9:16 PM] he even sounds like a steer
chris [9:17] That’s a shitload of rocks
chialynn [9:17 PM] I wonder if there’s any iron in those rocks?
chialynn [9:18] Oh, Inde.
chialynn [9:18] You’re a mess.
george_galuschak [9:18 PM] COME ON, INDE, DON’T QUIT!!!
chialynn [9:18 PM] Always going missing.
chris [9:18 PM] Oh, no!
chialynn [9:19 PM] So… That happened. Nobly.
george_galuschak [9:19 PM] He died with his PURPLE HEADBAND on!
chris [9:20 PM] It’s the new whore!
george_galuschak [9:20 PM] drunken revelry!
chialynn [9:20 PM] Stately dancing!
chris [9:20 PM] step to this
chialynn [9:21 PM] Mustache has an idea.
chialynn [9:22] PULGASARI!
chialynn [9:22] He’d never leave his sister to fend off the REAL monsters alone!
chris [9:22 PM] Oh, I thought she was telling Pulgasari, “it’s me, THAT woman”
chialynn [9:23 PM] He’s gotten even bigger! There was iron in those.
george_galuschak [9:23 PM] PROGNOSIS: WE’RE ALL FUCKED!
chris [9:24 PM] that sounds… dubious at best
george_galuschak [9:25 PM] Hey, it’s LION GUN and GENERAL GUN!
chialynn [9:27 PM] I’d love it if one of those guns was also an iron spirit.
george_galuschak [9:27 PM] why 104 PULGASARIS?
chialynn [9:27 PM] They spared no expense on explosives!
george_galuschak [9:28 PM] reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg!
chialynn [9:28 PM] Like half their budget went to pyro.
chris [9:28 PM] I like the lion cannons
chialynn [9:28 PM] And half the rest to historically inappropriate fabrics.
chialynn [9:29] Was that… a kazoo noise?
george_galuschak [9:29 PM] Right back atcha!
chialynn [9:29 PM] Does he breathe fire through a kazoo?!
chris [9:29 PM] walls won’t hold PULGASARI
chris [9:30] he’s got swagger, I’ll give him that
george_galuschak [9:30 PM] King Hat Head is running away!
chialynn [9:31 PM] I like the eyeballs.
chris [9:31 PM] fuck this building
george_galuschak [9:32 PM] yeah, hide behind the curtain
chialynn [9:33 PM] So, wherever they’re celebrating is some distance from these ruins, I’m guessing.
chris [9:33 PM] they messed up the smoke during the stop motion
george_galuschak [9:34 PM] is he picking his teeth?
chialynn [9:34 PM] He’s got somebody stuck in there.
chris [9:35 PM] haha subtitle said, “Whatsa matta him.”
george_galuschak [9:36 PM] will it start eating people?
chialynn [9:36 PM] That was not an awkward cut. At all.
chris [9:37 PM] this is an interesting wrinkle
chialynn [9:37 PM] “He’s our savior, but he’s eating us out of house and home!”
george_galuschak [9:38 PM] TWELVE STEP MONSTER PROGRAM!
chris [9:37 PM] how long can they keep shoveling iron at him?
chris [9:37] oh, he’s going to sacrifice himself for the good of the proletariat!
chris [9:38 PM] wait, an anti-international aggression message?
george_galuschak [9:39 PM] Bang-A-Gong!
chialynn [9:39 PM] Get it on! Bang a gong!
chialynn [9:39] I keep getting distracted by the wrinkles in the monster suit.
chris [9:39 PM] Return to the rice from whence you came!
chialynn [9:39 PM] He’s supposed to be made of iron! Iron doesn’t sag!
chialynn [9:40] Oh, dear. What’s he found to eat now?
chris [9:41 PM] nice freakout effect
george_galuschak [9:41 PM] what are the villagers going to do with a 80-ton PULGASARI?
george_galuschak [9:42] oh, never mind
chris [9:42 PM] rockslide!
george_galuschak [9:42 PM] sort of a bummer ending
chris [9:43 PM] I sort of liked it, though. “You outlived your usefulness. Now quit bumming us out.”
chialynn [9:43 PM] But wait!
chialynn [9:43] There’s Baby Pulgasari!
george_galuschak [9:44 PM] good movie!!!
chris [9:44 PM] that was much better than I thought it would be
chialynn [9:44 PM] Yes, better than I expected.
chris [9:44 PM] for some value of better
chialynn [9:44 PM] A slightly higher budget would have been helpful.
george_galuschak [9:45 PM] HE WAS TURNED TO STEEL
george_galuschak [9:45] IN THE EARTH’S MAGNETIC FIELD
chris [9:45 PM] in the great magnetic field
george_galuschak [9:45 PM] RUNNING AS FAST AS THEY CAN
chialynn [9:45 PM] Maybe it’s like the steel on the Titanic—strong, but brittle.
george_galuschak [9:45 PM] PULGASARI HAS HIS REVENGE
chris [9:45 PM] Don’t tell James Franco. He’ll make a movie about the behind the scenes story.
george_galuschak [9:46 PM] they tried to kill him with a cage they set on fire, a big pit filled with rocks, a woman with a white shawl and THE MIGHTY LION GUN, but PULGASARI died of indigestion!
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