The Unreliable Narrators Watch… The Pit and the Pendulum

October 17, 2016 0

 

The Pit and the Pendulum movie poster

Or, to be more formal, Edgar Allan Poe’s The Pit and the Pendulum.

But it isn’t, really.

It’s Roger Corman’s The Pit and the Pendulum. It’s also Richard Matheson’s The Pit and the Pendulum.

And more than that, it’s Vincent Price’s The Pit and the Pendulum.

Let’s get started, shall we?

As always, we’ll begin with our final impressions; you’ll find the full transcript after the jump.

Spoilers Ahoy!!!

 

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

Chris
Cath
Chia
George
Special Guest: Bryon

 

Chris 9:27 PM That was like 5% Poe, 95% Richard Matheson

Cathschaffstump 9:27 PM For sure.

Chris 9:27 PM but Matheson is awesome

Cathschaffstump 9:27 PM Definitely a critter of 1961.

Chris 9:29 PM Okay, so I guess Richard Matheson had an idea for a screenplay, and Edgar Allen Poe is public domain so why not tack his name on?

Cathschaffstump 9:28 PM So, there were a boat load of films like this, focusing on Poe stories.

Cathschaffstump 9:28 PM Because Poe is you know, scary.

Cathschaffstump 9:29 PM But there isn’t much to most of his stories, so yeah.

Cathschaffstump 9:30 PM Having grown up with these somewhat, I appreciate them, but I think they would be hard for modern audiences.

Cathschaffstump 9:31 PM Films that belong to a very different time.

Chialynn 9:32 PM They do what they need to do very well.

Chialynn 9:33 PM Which is kind of a Corman hallmark.

Chris 9:34 PM They have sort of a theatrical appeal

george_galuschak 9:35 PM it’s a fine movie

chialynn 9:35 PM Low budget, made fast, some amazing performers, a lot of schlock.

Cathschaffstump 9:35 PM More like theater than a movie.

Chris 9:35 PM They feel very proscenium arch despite being full sets to me

Chialynn 9:35 PM Perfect for a night at the drive-in.

Cathschaffstump 9:35 PM but a different kind of thing than Hammer.

Cathschaffstump 9:36 PM Hammer is rawer, racier.

Cathschaffstump 9:36 PM Corman is well, as Chris just said, proscenium arch.

Chris 9:36 PM Hammer didn’t even pretend to have plots, really

george_galuschak 9:36 PM Vincent price makes that movie

cathschaffstump 9:36 PM Vincent Price makes pretty much any movie.

Chris 9:36 PM that’s true, remove him and not much is left

cathschaffstump 9:36 PM Even Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine.

Chris 9:37 PM The acting is very declamatory, which I think sort of saves it. Makes it like an intentional artifact rather than just dated.

Cathschaffstump 9:38 PM yes! I like to think of this film as an artifact.

Cathschaffstump 9:38 PM A perfect specimen.

Chris 9:38 PM so, final verdict?

george_galuschak 9:38 PM thumb’s up!

Chris 9:48 PM Not bad, even though it has almost nothing to do with Poe

Chialynn 9:48 PM Excellent, very much a product of its time.

Cathschaffstump 9:48 PM I recommended it, so you know I gotta like it.

Chialynn 9:48 PM A better movie for watching with others than for watching alone.

Cathschaffstump 9:49 PM It’s also a good date film at my house.

Chialynn 9:49 PM Not because of the scary bits, but because cheese is best when shared.

(more…)

Helloween Day Sixteen: A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night

October 16, 2016 0

Billed as the first Iranian vampire Western, A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night is a 2014 Persian-language flick shot in the USA. My first attempt at watching A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night was at the IFC Theatre in New York City, where I left trembling with fear after ten minutes. This will be amusing to people who have seen the movie, because it’s not scary at all. I guess I have an overactive imagination. Anyway, I watched A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night on Netflix Streaming and managed to not bolt this time.

The plot: Arash lives in Bad City. His father’s a drug addict, and dear old dad’s dealer Saeed the Pimp (that’s as he billed) takes the car Arash worked years to buy as partial payment for services rendered. It’s enough to make a young man turn to crime, which Arash does, although he’s a crappy criminal.

Billed as the Girl, the mysterious newcomer to Bad City likes pop music and jewelry but has never had her ears pierced. The Girl follows Saeed the Pimp back to his den, complete with animal heads on the walls, and rolls her eyes as he does lines of coke. It’s almost a relief when she kills him. Afterwards she steals a kid’s skateboard and spends her nights skateboarding and watching her fellow nightcrawlers, the prostitutes and thieves and junkies, mimicking and unnerving and occasionally feeding on them. Yes, you guessed it. The Girl is bored out of her mind. She runs into Arash, dressed as Count Dracula and stoned out of his gourd, and it becomes a case of kiss or kill.

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night isn’t your standard horror movie. Filmed in black and white, it’s moody and bleak and even funny in parts. The performances are excellent. The Girl doesn’t talk much, but her body language speaks volumes. If you’re expecting lots of blood or violence, A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night will bore you silly. The phrase ‘art house horror’ – which applies to this movie – has sparked a bit of controversy in the horror field. Be that as I may, I really enjoyed this. Recommended.

And Introducing… The Iron Maiden

October 16, 2016 0

Iron Maiden of Nuremberg

On August 14, 1515, a coin forger was stuffed inside a cabinet shaped like a ghoulish nesting doll and lined with spikes that “penetrated his arms, and his legs in several places, and his belly and chest, and his bladder and the root of his member, and his eyes, and his shoulders, and his buttocks, but not enough to kill him; and so he remained making great cry and lament for two days, after which he died.”

At least, that was the story Johann Philipp Siebenkees told in a 1793 pamphlet describing the history of the fearsome medieval torture implement known as the iron maiden. There’s just one small problem with Herr Siebenkees’ story; it isn’t true. The first known references to the Maiden appear in the late 18th century—besides Siebenkees’ pamphlet, a 1784 guide to Nuremberg thrilled tourists with lurid tales of “the Iron Maiden, that abominable work of horror that goes back to the times of Frederick Barbarossa” (by which it meant the 12th century). More likely, the infamous Iron Maiden of Nuremberg dated all the way back to… the 18th century, and the fictions of Johann Philipp Siebenkees.

Wherever it came from, the Iron Maiden of Nuremberg was destroyed by Allied bombing in 1944. Copies of it live on—in 1890, the Earl of Shrewsbury took one of them on a world tour. It eventually found its way back to Germany, where it’s now on display at the das Kriminalmuseum in Rothenburg ob der Tauber. More modern replicas can be seen at Ripley’s Believe or Not and a variety of wax museums.

Style:
You never want to be the filling in a torture sandwich.

According to Wolfgang Schild, a law professor at the University of Bielefeld, the 18th- and 19th-century maidens were constructed out of medieval and Renaissance scraps and stories like these—bits and pieces from genuine torture chambers, combined with ancient descriptions of, shall we say, mechanically aided interrogations and liberal helpings of imagination.

Fraud or not, the iron maiden and its kin do have historical precedents. In 256 BCE, the Carthaginians captured a Roman consul, Marcus Atilius Regulus, and pressed him to death between spiked boards. In the Middle Ages, minor lawbreakers might be sentenced to wear the Cloak of Shame—a weighted wooden garment that made it difficult to flee, even while your friends and neighbors pelted you with rotten fruit and offal and insults.

And there has been at least one person in the modern era thought to have used an iron maiden for its intended, horrible purpose—Saddam Hussein’s son Uday, who had a penchant for torturing athletes who failed to live up to his expectations. In April 2003, several months before Uday’s death at the hands of a Special Forces Task Force, a group of looters at the Iraqi Olympic headquarters in Baghdad found a replica of the Iron Maiden of Nuremberg in a pile of leaves. They weren’t interested in it, but TIME was. It reported that the artifact was “clearly worn from use, the nails having lost some of their sharpness.”

ironmaiden0419
Uday Hussein’s iron maiden? Allegedly.

Note: This post originally appeared on the late, lamented, Popbunker.net. It has been cross-posted to Medium.

 

Helloween Day Fifteen: The Wolfen

October 15, 2016 0

The Wolfen is a 1981 American horror movie starring Albert Finney, loosely based on the Whitley Strieber novel of the same name. First things first: this is not a werewolf movie. If you watch this flick expecting werewolves, you are going to be disappointed. I couldn’t find The Wolfen online, so I took it out for free at my library. Support your local library, kids!

The plot: a bigwig developer and his wife drive out to NYC in the middle of the night and are murdered by mysterious creatures we don’t see. New York City cops Dewey Wilson and Rebecca Neff are given the case. Playing hardboiled cop Dewey, Albert Finney gives his New York accent his all. I’ve lived in this area my entire life and can say that he doesn’t sound anything like a Native New Yorker, but I do appreciate him trying.

The murders are a political hot potato. The bigwig developer had plenty of enemies worldwide, so terrorism is suspected. Suspicion falls on a group of Native Americans working on a bridge, giving rise to some cringe-worthy dialogue. Edward James Olmos runs around naked on the beach. The mysterious creatures kill homeless people in the South Bronx, and then follow Dewey and Rebecca to Manhattan. The novel explains why; the movie doesn’t. Will our heroes survive?

The Woofen – I mean The Wolfen – is a long movie. The screenplay is unfocused. I wasn’t sure if I was watching a murder mystery, an eco-thriller or a horror movie. In the end it’s none of these things, which might be one of the reasons the movie’s not remembered, fondly or otherwise. Long periods go by when nothing happens and it takes too long to see the Wolfen. The action scenes – especially the climax – are laughable. As monsters, the Wolfen aren’t very frightening – in fact they’re downright fluffy.

I enjoyed The Wolfen, but that might be because I read the book and understood what was going on. The writers don’t do a good job of conveying basic information. I will say this movie was way ahead of its time in predicting the rise of scavengers, as witnessed by the spread of the coyote and the coywolf. Slow, confusing in parts, The Wolfen isn’t a classic and I can’t wholeheartedly recommend it. This movie is a product of its time, for better or for worse.

 

Helloween Day Fourteen: The Beyond

October 14, 2016 0

beyond

Click on the image for the trailer!

A total gross-out of a movie, The Beyond is a 1981 horror flick directed by Italian director Lucio Fulci. OV Guide was supposed to have it for free, and indeed they did – the first twenty minutes. I watched the rest via a seven-day subscription to Shudder, so technically it is free. If you’re like me, you’ll forget to unsubscribe in time.

The plot: Liza inherits an old Louisiana hotel from her uncle. Fifty or so years earlier the angry townspeople killed the hotel’s resident painter, who was painting a portrait of Hell; sort of like Hieronymus Bosch, if Bosch had no talent and lived in Louisiana. The hotel itself is located over one of the seven gateways to Hell. This is NOT a spoiler, as that tidbit appears in the first sentence of the synopsis.

The action starts when Joe the Plumber (?!?!) gets his face squeezed off, treating us to a popping eyeball scene. For some reason much of the gore in The Beyond centers on faces. Tarantulas eat a character’s face, a dog bites off a woman’s face and acid melts no less than two people’s faces off.

A mysterious blind woman with freaky eyes tries to warn Liza off, but our heroine is determined to reopen the hotel, even though nobody but cackling ghouls and flesh-eating demons live here now. She’s aided and abetted by hunky Doc John McCabe. Could there be romance brewing? No. The Beyond has no interest in sex at all. After 70 minutes of extras getting killed off, the dead finally rise. Can Liza and Doc McCabe escape?

The Beyond is considered a classic in certain quarters. I don’t know about that, but I would advise you not to watch it while eating. There’s no plot. Even though there’s lots of jump scares, The Beyond isn’t a scary movie. If you have a strong stomach, it’s sort of funny. I like Fulci’s Zombie a lot better, maybe because there’s a shark-zombie battle and the eyeball-popping scene is better. Recommended for gore-aficionados only.

43.0 – Author Spotlight: Fran Wilde

October 13, 2016 1

un_wildeChris and George commiserate with award-winning author Fran Wilde from the sidelines of the Viable Paradise reunion. Let BitterCon commence! Ah, yes, we also find out about Cloudbound, the new book in Fran’s Bone Universe series, and myriad other important tidbits: worldbuilding, Cooking the Books, Socktober, poetry. This one has it all!

Helloween Day Twelve: The Pact

October 12, 2016 0

An American horror movie that came out in 2012, The Pact is yet another recommendation of English horror novelist Adam Nevill. The link to the article is here. I watched The Pact for free on Netflix streaming.

The plot: when Annie and Nicole’s mother passes, the sisters must reconcile their differences in order to solve dear ole Ma’s murder. No wait, that’s a Lifetime movie. In this movie Nicole disappears in her mother’s house in the first ten minutes. Annie, who hates her mother and the house she grew up in, nevertheless shows up on her motorcycle. Annie isn’t too concerned about Nicole’s disappearing act because she’s pulled this crap before, even though this time she left behind her little girl.

Staying in her mom’s creepy house, Annie starts hearing and seeing weird shit, ending with her being attacked by an invisible entity and her cousin Liz disappearing. Annie, showing great strength of character, goes back into the house to retrieve Nicole’s daughter Eva when she hears her crying. However, this ghost isn’t a quitter; it simply follows Annie to her hotel.

Determined to find out what happened to her sister and cousin, Annie doesn’t give up either. Plot abounds: a headless ghost, a hidden nook in dear ole’ Ma’s house with peepholes to every room in the house. Soon Annie discovers ghosts are the least of her problems…

If The Pact were a shitty movie, I’d say that the house’s wallpaper was the scariest thing about it. While it is true that dear old Ma’s house oozes creepiness, this isn’t a shitty movie. It’s a solid entry with plenty of jump scares. The Pact has lots of thriller/haunted house tropes: the good-looking cop, the ghost, the serial killer, the freaky looking psychic, but they never veer into cliché. The elements all blend, creating a movie that’s spooky as hell. Oh yeah, I also like the fact that they don’t explain the title; if you’re paying attention, it’s obvious. Recommended.

 

Helloween Day Eleven: Blood Glacier

October 11, 2016 0

An Austrian (!) movie, Blood Glacier came out in 2013. It’s not on my list because my list went out the window and now I’m watching whatever I feel like. The movie’s in German with English subtitles, and I watched it for free on Netflix Streaming. Thank god, if I paid money for this I’d be upset.

The plot: Janek (a technician) and Tinni (his dog) are working with three scientists in the Austrian Alps. Because of climate change the glaciers are receding at an alarming rate, so the scientists are there to study the environmental effects. Janek, who is very sad because his girlfriend dumped him, is there to get drunk and stagger around camp in his underwear. Janek’s only friend is his faithful hound Tinni.

Tinni the dog is the most sympathetic character in Blood Glacier. Janek is the textbook definition of a loser, and the three scientists are stupid assholes. Being a stupid asshole in a horror movie is a deadly combination. Stupid people who aren’t assholes can be reasoned with, and the same holds true of assholes who aren’t stupid, but there’s no reasoning with stupid assholes. End of digression.

Janek, Tinni and one of the stupid assholes ascend to Monitoring Station #3, because it’s important that everything’s in tiptop shape for the Prime Minister’s visit tomorrow. The glacier has melted, and what’s left looks like frozen blood. The plot grinds into action: a monster attacks Tinni in the unearthed cave and Janek learns that his ex works for the prime minister; she’s a scientist or something.The base is soon attacked by a combination of a wood louse and a fox. Apparently, global warming has unleashed The Thing’s stupider cousin. The monster’s blood cells get into you and form hybrid organisms. The fox ate the wood louse so the resulting creature…doesn’t look like a fox at all. It looks like a fake monster, but whatever.

For some reason the Prime Minister and her retinue decide to hike to the base, but their pleasant walk is interrupted by a screaming young woman in Daisy Dukes pursued by a flying bug-thing. I don’t know where she came from, and her presence is never explained. In the meantime two of the scientists revisit the blood glacier, where the highlight of the movie occurs. I won’t spoil the wonderful moment, but it almost makes this flick worth seeing.

Blood Glacier is derivative of John Carpenter’s The Thing, without the good screenplay, great acting or awesome creature effects. It’s a mildly entertaining B-movie, a pleasant way to waste ninety minutes of your life. A warning to dog lovers: don’t see Blood Glacier. Obviously no animals were harmed during the making of etc., etc., but you’ve been warned.

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